Horror Strikes: Pelosi Coming to Cornell

This is a slightly altered / humorous / more reality-based version of the original Daily Sun article

[UPDATE]: The people are speaking – judging by the commentary thus far at the Daily Sun page, it’s not just right-wingers that are unhappy with the Pelosi selection.  Shocking! Perhaps the committee did in fact underestimate the number of students, parents, and alumni who find the selection of such a divisive and unscrupulous politician quite deplorable.

At 7 p.m. Monday evening, the University announced that Squeaker of the House Nancy ‘the Bone Collector’ Pelosi has been confirmed to squeak at Senior Conflagration during Cornell’s 142nd Commencement Weekend this May.

According to Heather Levy ’10, head of the 2010 Conflagration Committee, the Committee was fortunate to have the support of a few select University members as well as Squeaker Pelosi’s staff in securing Squeaker Pelosi as convocation squeaker. Levy, along with a small team of obviously enlightened individuals, believes that Pelosi fulfills the Committee’s objective to find a speaker who represents the very isolated and divisive ideology of the farthest left of the liberal student body. The committee, composed of inebriated members of the senior class in charge of choosing a speaker interesting to the Clinical Psychology community is excited by the confirmation and by how early in the administration the Squeaker lost the last functional elements of her brain.

“The fact that we could get one of the most frightening women in Washington is an amazing accomplishment, regardless of your desire to find any common ground with anyone even remotely close to holding moderate beliefs.” Levy believes that having the squeaker of the house come to campus to facilitate Cornell seniors’ transition into the delusional and debt-ridden world will be an unforgettable opportunity. “Seniors will remember that the speaker of the house spoke at their graduation,” Levy added, “especially those who choose to  engage in self-waterboarding during the speech.”

This year’s announcement of the Conflagration speaker is the most astonishing in recent years. Last year’s speaker decision, President Obama’s campaign manager David Plouffe, although dull and uninspiring, does not come close to matching the absurdity of this latest choice.