Yesterday’s Student Assembly Candidate Forum unfolded as I expected.
The air was electric; each candidate sat before a microphone awaiting the ceremony’s commencement, with the fervor of a patient before a root canal. The moderator—cut from a particularly dull and monotonous hide—allowed each candidate forty-five seconds to introduce himself.
And down the line they went, with a few exceptions, each beginning their extemporization with the same contrived explanation: “Good evening, my name is _____ and I am the best candidate for freshman representative because I killed it in high school. I was a prophet back in senior year, a deity. I saved orphans; I fed the poor; I gained extensive managerial experience as the executive of blah blah blah.”
It went on and on. They went 20, 30 seconds over their allotment of time, trying unsuccessfully to compress their platform—the only thing that actually matters—into a five second montage. In an attempt to impress the audience with credentials, they stultified it. It’s Cornell, everyone has credentials. Impress me with ideas and pragmatic vision, not antiquated (and entirely anecdotal) accreditation. Come on, you’re supposed to be the best of the pack.
It didn’t begin well and it only got worse. After the last candidate finished, I glanced down to my zipper. An inch deep spiddle pool had collected. Oh joy.
I could recall only three names: Suraj Reddy, Todd Lensman, and Dustin Liu. They were the only exceptions to the homogenous mass; they had each given a concise overview of their prior history and had articulated—with considerable passion—their agglomeration of goals. Suraj insisted that he did not want to run, but was moved to after witnessing gross inefficiencies in the first week. He outlined a twelve-point plan that was ambitious but practical. Todd proclaimed himself an expert in finance—which I rather distained—but suggested that he was running to amplify the voice of the fiscally responsible and seemed of a more competent lot. And Dustin emphasized “practical change.” (Hopefully practical change means a denouncement of the dreadfully impractical grocery store, but we’ll have to wait and see.)
Then it continued, in its characteristically dull manner. But wait! Something entertaining! A candidate has cantered in 15 minutes late. His justification: he had a prior engagement. Thank God he has his priorities in line. He introduces himself as Reeve Carver “the third”’, not Reeve Carver—because apparently his grandfather is not running for a position. The Donald Trump of the SA race had just entered the building, ladies and gentlemen.
“How will you make your voice count?” the moderator asked. And again, the candidates answered in the unison of a flock of intelligent sheep, with more platitudes and resume boosting.
Each candidate was then posed with a different question, ranging in difficulty. The first three answers reverberated in an harmonious, “Uhhhhh…..” Theses kids knew their stuff. The bundle of joy moderator continued, posing questions about mental health, the student assembly’s role in Greek life, programs on North Campus, and candidates over-promising during elections. There were almost as many non-answers as there were “uhhhhs”. What a nice group of politicians-in-training.
Again, however, there were a few standouts. Solomon Shewit responded poignantly when asked about the proposed grocery store, suggesting that he needed to know more about the store’s particulars and gauge the student reaction to it before developing his stance. The moderator asked Suraj about the student assembly’s role in creating on-campus diversity programs. The moderator expected a monotonous repetition of the typical, “Diversity is good, let’s bring everyone together hoopblah,” but received a staunch response: Suraj does not want to manufacture diversity. He doesn’t want to seek out inclusion with diversity programs, he proclaims that he is Indian and feels perfectly accepted. Good stuff.
And then our resident Trump took his turn. I couldn’t hear the question he was asked, and apparently he couldn’t either. He stood up and shook every person’s hand in the room. He said something about happiness and respect and claimed that he had to win because he already told his mother he had.
It ended. I had never been so happy to stand up in my life. Talk about exuberance.
The Freshman Representative candidates for 2015 are mostly ineffectual. They’re the same ones you voted for in high school because they spoke louder than anyone else. In my eyes, this is a race between Dustin Liu, Suraj Reddy, Solomon Shewit, Todd Lensman, and if you’re one for the braggadocious, hedonistic type, Reeve Carter (the third).
There were transfer candidates too, but I don’t remember them. I hope they aren’t as unremarkable once they’re elected.
Come on guys
Donald Trump is my idol.