Throw Tony Manfred Off Campus

Spoiler Alert: The following is a spoof of an article by The Daily Stun’s Tony Manfred, namesake of The Cornell Review’s ‘Assclown’ award, associate editor of The Stun, and campus bloviator.  This article is a joke and is not meant to be taken seriously. It may come off as a bit harsh and atypical of my hospitable persona, but I’m merely re-flinging the insults hurled by Tony towards much of the student body. I offer my sincere apology to the nice folks who were offended by Manfred’s article, and to those un-fun folks who are offended by mine.

But if you’d like real humor, please refer to the original article by Manfred, titled ‘Throw Goldman Sachs Off Campus.’  Or just read mine, since there are MINIMAL edits.

Tony Manfred is a criminal lunacy factory with a vast network of lunatic friends who occupy the least powerful positions in the successful corporate world, effectively endangering the people to any economic threat — governmental or otherwise — such that he is free to suck every bit of sense and rationality out of every corner of The Daily Stun, regardless of collateral damage, like a constipated Death-Eater whose belly fills not with happiness or the souls of the good, but the patience and efforts put forth by the few capable writers that work on the staff, blah, blah, Tony Manfred’s opening sentences go on forever and his syntax blows. This we can all agree on.

Yet each bi-weekly period, Manfred’s semi-coherent ramblings are afforded space in The Daily Stun. His anger, insecurity, spite, jealousy, fear, feebleness and arrogance clutter the pages of a newspaper whose legitimacy erodes every time Manfred’s ink strikes parchment. He vents and bloviates, pushes and squeezes, and will eventually leave campus with a trail of eager individuals awaiting some decent reading material. Only thing is, those same undergrads have gotten used to leaving the Daily Stun in its delivery stand. He enjoys Long Island iced tea (seriously what was his point about Long Island Iced tea? Tony Manfred drinks vodka-cranberry, who’s he to talk?). And come this summer, Tony Manfred will transform into a full-fledged job-hunter — the Google results linking his articles squeezing every drip of potential out of the rag that is his resume with conscious abandon — under the tragically correct assumption that the rest of us are, above all else, more stupid than he is.

This must continue. A writer with Manfred’s track record of navel-gazing and mental masturbation has the utmost place on the Stun staff.

But he’ll have to do it from elsewhere.  Writers who want to spit on our campus image can enroll, but this campus should not be the setting of their homes.

Tony Manfred can  hold information sessions downtown and live at the Courtyard by Marriott, but he should not, in any way, shape or form, be permitted to use this university’s facilities and resources to enlist Cornell students into his system of manipulation and moral delinquency.

His presence on campus, and the notable mass rejection of this presence, illustrates our campus’s rational conception of humanity. [I have no idea what Tony Manfred is trying to say in this next sentence but it’s pretty lame. Something about morality, blah, blah ‘Tony Manfred is the man,’ blah, blah does anyone know what he’s possibly majoring in? Finance?]. Yes, jobs are not usually amoral, meaningless, sadistic and socially destructive, but — as Manfred suggests — you can always find a way to make it happen!

Indeed when a friend tells me she’s getting hit on by Manfred at Dunbar’s, I don’t protest. In fact, I say good luck. And when an acquaintance tells me that she scored with Tony Manfred, I offer my truthful congratulations. And then we both laugh because we both know Tony Manfred never scores.

Yada, yada Tony Manfred says bankers eat babies… We need to come to terms with the fact that people who read the work of a greedy, criminal machine that has been consciously deflating intellectual bubbles and screwing over the public since 2007, are, by definition, probably fine people that just got their day screwed when they turned to Manfred’s article. These people are our classmates, our sorority sisters, our best friends, but they are also just good people. To put it bluntly, they are cool. Really cool. Cool people who are aware of the social and journalistic damage that Tony perpetuates.

No one is putting a gun to Manfred’s head and demanding he work for Goldman, but there is an antique rifle in the Kroch Rare Manuscript library in case anybody wants to step up to the plate. But yet, most people are of gentle mind and would not do that.

There is nothing we can do to stop Tony Manfred. His idiocy is in entrenched in every nook and cranny of Cornell’s financial system, with roots so deeply seated in its power structure that… wait a minute.  He’s just an angry little kid with a pencil! We CAN do something!

Write to the Stun! Demand that they save innocent people from picking up Manfred’s column. Light a fire on a bag of poop on his doorstep! Prank call him! THROW TONY MANFRED OFF CAMPUS!!

Most importantly, as students, we can cut the niceness and tell our friends that, yes, being Tony Manfred does make you a bad person.